May I be candid?
Many of us struggle with romantic relationships, myself included. We desire love, but we do not always properly identify what is love and what is not. My prayer is that this post helps you properly discern when something is love and when it is simply lust masking itself as love.
First, let’s debunk the myth. Love is not butterflies, soft fuzzy feelings, sexual desire, or cravings. Love is not your heart skipping a beat and love is not manipulation. Love is a totally different animal.
Love is…
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV
Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:8 NIV
Friend, without God, there can be no love. If God is absent, what you are feeling is not love.
I want to provide you with some practical tips to help you properly delineate between love and lust. Because saints, WE NEED DISCERNMENT. Today, we are discussing how one man’s lust destroyed the woman he claimed to love.
Lust is…
1. Obsessive
In the course of time, Amnon son of David fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom son of David.
Amnon became so obsessed with his sister Tamar that he made himself ill. She was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her. 2 Samuel 13: 2 NIV
Don’t overly spiritualize this point. Obsession can be as simple as you are consumed by this individual. You think about them ALL the time. You periodically “stalk” their social media. You are finding yourself getting love-sick because they are always on your mind. That is exactly what happened to Amnon. He made himself “sick”. His sickness led him to seek “relief”. If you continue feeding your obsession, you may inevitably find yourself hurting yourself or others.
2. Unwise
Now Amnon had an adviser named Jonadab son of Shimeah, David’s brother. Jonadab was a very shrewd man. He asked Amnon, “Why do you, the king’s son, look so haggard morning after morning? Won’t you tell me?”Amnon said to him, “I’m in love with Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister.”
“Go to bed and pretend to be ill,” Jonadab said. “When your father comes to see you, say to him, ‘I would like my sister Tamar to come and give me something to eat. Let her prepare the food in my sight so I may watch her and then eat it from her hand.’” 2 Samuel 13: 3-5 NIV
Amnon’s cravings led him to take bad advice. Woman of God, I know you want that man, but do not let anyone convince you to chase him, manipulate him, or compromise yourself. You are better than that.
3. Inappropriate
So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. When the king came to see him, Amnon said to him, “I would like my sister Tamar to come and make some special bread in my sight, so I may eat from her hand.”
David sent word to Tamar at the palace: “Go to the house of your brother Amnon and prepare some food for him.” So Tamar went to the house of her brother Amnon, who was lying down. She took some dough, kneaded it, made the bread in his sight and baked it. Then she took the pan and served him the bread, but he refused to eat. 2 Samuel 13: 6-9 NIV
Lust blinded Amnon. He forgot something pivotal. Tamar was his SISTER. (Ewww right!?)
Notice, prior to this moment, he had not acknowledged that Tamar was his sister. She was always Absalom’s sister and not his own. He likely did not want to own that Tamar was his sister because that would convict him of his sin. Brothers and sisters protect one another.
Friend, don’t forget that the person you desire is your brother or sister FIRST. Proper perspective will dictate how you treat a person.
When Amnon spoke to the king, he had to acknowledge who Tamar truly was. Before, you pursue someone or allow someone to pursue you, speak to the King. Speaking to God will force you to acknowledge the identity of the one you want. Who they are should matter to you. They are not just the object of your desire. They are a child of God. They are your brother or sister. Don’t forget that.
4. Reclusive
“Send everyone out of here,” Amnon said. So everyone left him. Then Amnon said to Tamar, “Bring the food here into my bedroom so I may eat from your hand.” And Tamar took the bread she had prepared and brought it to her brother Amnon in his bedroom. But when she took it to him to eat, he grabbed her and said, “Come to bed with me, my sister.” 2 Samuel 13: 9-11 NIV
First of all, ew. Second, run sis! Amnon sent everyone away so that there would be no barriers between he and Tamar. He did not want accountability. He could not make a move on Tamar if everyone was around. Friends, be leery of people who never want other people around. If you have to hide it, you probably shouldn’t be doing it.
5. Selfish
“No, my brother!” she said to him. “Don’t force me! Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don’t do this wicked thing.
What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you.” But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her. 2 Samuel 13: 12-14 NIV
Lust is really selfish. It has little to do with the other person and more to do with you. When was the last time you thought of the other person’s feelings? Are you only thinking about what they can do for you? Be honest with yourself. Is there some physical or emotional void you want this person to satisfy? Do you understand that God (the King) will not withhold any good thing from you?
Amnon was singularly focused. He could not hear the cries of his sister. He could not respond to her pleas. Amnon took what he wanted and Tamar had to endure the painful consequences.
Love gives. It does not take.
The Truth.
Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, “Get up and get out!” 2 Samuel 13: 15 NIV
On a scale, lust leans more toward hatred than love. Amnon thought that “having” Tamar would satisfy his longing. Instead, the shame of it all drove him to separate himself from her leaving her in complete disgrace. All of the “love” he once felt swiftly turned to hatred.
Lust ALWAYS reveals itself.
Our goal should be to identify and quench lust BEFORE it reveals us. Inevitably, Amnon destroyed his sister’s life and lost his own because he allowed lust to rule him. May his story be a cautionary tale.
Let’s pray.
Father, thank you for my friend who is reading this post. Thank you for the great plans you have for them! Father, I pray that if they are struggling with lust or any kind of sexual sin that they will run to you with it. Holy Spirit convict our hearts. Give us the strength to flee from all sexual immorality. Thank you for the authority to conquer sin.
Father, give us eyes to see things as they truly are. Give us discernment. Do not let us fall prey to our own devices or the devices of others. Father, endow us with your wisdom. We need it. Finally, Father, for those longing for true love, may it find them. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.
Big hugs,
Ayanna